God said, “Adam, I want you to do something for Me.” Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?” God said, “Go down into that valley.” Adam said, “What’s a valley?” God explained it to him. Then God said, “Cross the river.” Adam said, “What’s a river?” God explained that to him, [...]
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. ‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,’ [...]
Copper Wire Discovered After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the [...]
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. Now it’s syncing. When chemists die, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst kind. I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where [...]
God said, “Adam, I want you to do
something for Me.”
Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do You
want me to do?”
God said, “Go down into that valley.”
Adam said, “What’s a valley?”
God explained it to him. Then God said,
“Cross the river.”
Adam said, “What’s a river?”
God explained that to him, and then said,
“Go over to the hill…..”
Adam said, “What is a hill?”
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, “On the other side of the
hill you will find a cave.”
Adam said, ‘What’s a cave?’
After God explained, He said, “In the cave
you will find a woman.”
Adam said, “What’s a woman?’
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, ‘I want you to reproduce.”
Adam said, “How do I do that?”
God first said (under His breath), “Geez…..”
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and
over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is
it now?”
And Adam said….
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*
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“What’s a headache?”
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,’ said one boy. Several nuts dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, ‘One for you, one for me, one for you, One for me…’
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
‘Come here quick,’ said the boy, ‘you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up souls!’
The man said, ‘Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.’ When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.’
The old man whispered, ‘Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord…?
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. That’s all.. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done…
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
Copper Wire Discovered After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: “ California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.” One week later, a local newspaper in Alpena, Mi. reported the following: “After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Hawks, Mi. Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Michigan had already gone wireless”. Just makes a person proud to be from Michigan.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. Now it’s syncing.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst kind.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.
PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.
We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are really pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? The saurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of Communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington was obviously the government’s fault.
Velcro. What a rip off!
GROAN!!!!!!!!!!!!
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the red neck’s house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The red neck replied that it wasn’t easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.
Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how ’bout that?… I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude … I like that.
7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car — GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies — you know — that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring — now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father’s Day? aahh — don’t worry about that — it’s no big deal.
Questions asked in a courtroom can be very revealing… especially in the South. Even of an old, sweet lady many would be happy to call grandma.
In a trial in the heart of the South, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly woman he had known since childhood, to the stand.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Whitaker, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Coolidge. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit lawyer. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Whitaker, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Of course, I do. I’ve known Mr. Johnson since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney turned red with embarssment.
The judge upon hearing the questions and answers thusfar asked both counselors to approach the bench. In a very quiet voice he said, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, I’ll throw you in jail for contempt.”
Anyone who includes laughter regularly in life, knows that it just feels good to laugh. Well, now there is a study that shows us why that is.
Laughter is regularly promoted as a source of health and well being, but it has been hard to pin down exactly why laughing until it hurts feels so good.
The answer, reports Robin Dunbar, an evolutionary psychologist at Oxford, is not the intellectual pleasure of cerebral humor, but the physical act of laughing. The simple muscular exertions involved in producing the familiar ha, ha, ha, he said, trigger an increase in endorphins, the brain chemicals known for their feel-good effect.
His results build on a long history of scientific attempts to understand a deceptively simple and universal behavior. “Laughter is very weird stuff, actually,” Dr. Dunbar said. “That’s why we got interested in it.” And the findings fit well with a growing sense that laughter contributes to group bonding and may have been important in the evolution of highly social humans.
via Laughter Produces Endorphins, Study Finds – NYTimes.com.
After losing another tooth, young-old Timmy became more curious about the mysterious tooth fairy.
Finally putting two and two together, he came right out and asked his mother, “Mom, are you the tooth fairy?”
Assuming he was old enough to hear the truth, she replied, “Yes Timmy, I am.”
Timmy seemed to take this news quite well.
But as he headed for the door, he slowly turned back toward his mother with a curious look on his face and said, “Wait a minute mom. How do you get into the other kids’ houses?”
